Adulthood.

I feel as though I have not been very candid to others about my battle with depression. Quite accordingly, it started after my father passed away and was only reinforced after the passing of my grandmother and a very close friend. After their passing, I saw depression as my eternal burden. It was something that I could not rid myself of. I felt destined for a lifetime of sadness.

However, a few years ago, I experienced love for the first time. The happiness it gave me brought up surprising feelings of guilt. Happiness was a foreign feeling to me; I felt like I was denying my late father by feeling the euphoria of love.

That relationship ended in the rawest of heartache. I fear that the cliches surrounding break-ups deny so many of the horrendous feelings we all go through. It was a tragic occurrence that I am thankful to have experienced.

Without everything that has happened in my past, I would not be here - sitting in a Starbucks on Ying Kou Dao in Tianjin, China during the Dragon Boat Festival holiday with plans of watching the World Cup with friends that I feel closer to than most I have in America.

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Last week the six of us went to our favorite dumpling restaurant for dinner. It would be the last time we would all sit around a table together. The semester has ended and we're all going off in different directions. I have grown especially close to two of the other teachers, Alex and Cathy. Alex is from London, England. He originally came to Tianjin to pursue Wu Shu (Kung Fu) and taught in order to retain his residency. Cathy is from the Philippines and has taught in Tianjin the longest out of all of the teachers. I refer to Alex as my GeGe or "older brother". He is a great friend and someone that I'm going to miss very deeply.

Not pictured are John and Jim. John is the only other American besides Jen and myself. He lives across the hall from me and I've grown quite fond of his company. His outlook on life in China always brings a smile to my face. Jim is Canadian and older than the rest of us. He teaches at another campus about an hour away from our dormitories, so I don't see much of him. It was a lovely evening of retrospect and story-telling.

I can remember sitting at a bar with a friend before I left for China in February. I was more than full of trepidation - I was completely regretting my decision to move. I didn't want to leave my friends and family back home. I didn't want to leave everything I knew behind. My friend laughed at me and said, "Come July, you'll be dreading that flight back to America. You won't want to come back here."

I knew he was right. I knew that the decision I had made to move here would prove rewarding. I signed that contract to feel independent again. I wanted to experience something new.

I've been thinking a lot about adulthood lately. I never saw myself as an adult until I moved here. I never felt purely independent. I always had a backup plan. I always had somewhere to retreat. Living in a foreign country gives you a sense of danger that is unimaginably powerful. Independence is intoxicating.

I've been toying with the idea of returning to Tianjin after spending the summer holiday in America. Just a few weeks ago, I was certain that my time was up - I needed to go home.

Tonight, I'm meeting with Apollo. He is an intermediary between English departments in Tianjin and teachers. He is attempting to find me a new job so that I may return in September to teach another term.