May 10, 1998

He died at an integral part of my life that left me with just enough memories to miss him and few enough to feel cheated. I often wonder what he'd think of me now. My dream is to sip coffee and play chess with my father.

I have found great peace in knowing that I am my his legacy. He was a man of few but passionate words; his actions were immeasurable.

Over the past 12 years, my longing for a father has not faded. My loss is inescapable. However, the pain I have felt is subsiding. I never would have thought that this whole process would have taken this long.

I used to struggle with the desire to make him proud of me. Without knowing - without seeing his face, there was no way to know if what I was doing with my life made him proud. I pushed myself further than I had felt capable, all to make him happy.

I am proud of my decisions, so far. I have few regrets and have full belief that every experience has made me a better person. I have a lot to work on, but I'm getting close. I don't struggle with making him proud anymore. I struggle with finding my own path in life.

I have a strange sense of peace in knowing that my father will always impact my life. Every decision I make will somehow have his imprint. I am my father's daughter.