A Senseless Plan

I went to a birthday party for some friends I've met here on campus last night. Part-way through the evening, a guy approached me. "You're from Ohio, huh?"

I was caught off-guard. He was Asian, yet spoke perfect English.

"Yep. I've never seen you before," I said.

"Oh my name is Brian. I'm here on a 3-week study-abroad program from UCSD. Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure...."

"I've only been here 2 weeks so far and I'm so unbelievably homesick. How do you do it?"

Jen gave me a book the day I arrived called Survival Kit for Overseas Living: For Americans planning to live and work abroad. The book gives a multitude of solutions for dealing with culture shock. Most notably, exploring. I've never been this busy in my life, and I absolutely love it.

Last weekend, Jen and I took a tour of the city sponsored by the university. We were transported to a central location and met up with about 50 other white people from various universities around the city. Sitting on the bus as we traveled from site to site was difficult. While I enjoyed the tour, I was annoyed that I understood what people were saying. Their conversations were aggravating. Their voices were so loud.

I have become extremely content living within my own language barrier.

While culture shock is related to homesickness, I believe that they can be (and have been, in my situation) mutually exclusive. Other than my mother, I've distanced myself from everyone back home. I haven't written emails to friends or family in months. Above everything else I have tried, this distance has helped me deal with my homesickness more than anything else.

However helpful this senseless plan has been, I faltered a bit tonight. By keeping my communications at a minimum, I've been keeping a lot of emotions inside. I had dinner with Alex and Jen downtown tonight. We sat outside and talked at great lengths about our families. I told them about my brother and how much I miss him - how I honestly feel that he is my best friend - how happy I am that he's found such pure love - how I admire his life and miss his companionship.

After returning home from dinner, I cried for the first time in weeks.

With only a few weeks left, I'm trying to fill my calendar with as many experiences as possible (Tibet). I hope to return here in the future. If I don't return, I want know that I didn't waste any time while living abroad.

I told Brian that I've cut off most communication with home. I've spent my free time exploring every location possible. "It's sad, but you have to forget your home. You have to live here. You have to experience this. Don't think of home. Don't let your mind go there. You're here."

Each friend I spoke to, each email, each message took me 6,000 miles away from here. I stopped living in China and only counted the days until I returned home. I forgot why I came here. Living in this moment has helped me put the entirety of this situation into focus.

I'm going to miss China.