Home.

My mom called me from the grocery store the day before I moved back to China.
"Do you need anything from the store?"
"Buckeyes," I responded. I wasn't looking forward to moving back here and knew I needed something that would remind me of home.

Buckeyes are chocolaty treats made in my hometown. They are delicious. My mom used to mail them to me when I was away in college. I'd hide them in my desk so that none of my room mates would find them. They were mine and mine only.

I have one buckeye left.

Originally, I ate one every Sunday while watching Ohio State replays on the internet. It was my way of feeling connected to home.

Then, as the weeks started to roll by, I started rationing them. I saved one for the OSU/Michigan game. I ate one after an especially rough day of teaching. I saved another for Thanksgiving.

I noticed my bag was getting quite light, so I decided to eat one every Thursday until I went home. And now, I have one left. It is going in my backpack. I will eat it at 30,000 feet tomorrow afternoon on my way home.

It is hard for me to believe that I'm going home tomorrow.
However, I am extremely sad to say goodbye to my friends. I have grown so amazingly close to these people. Tonight is the winter solstice. I will meet my friends at the local dumpling restaurant for one last meal together. After that, we will hold a Kongmin lantern, make a wish, and light it on fire. As it burns, it rises high into the sky - taking your dreams with it.
There are many things that I won't miss about China, but I will miss all of the amazing traditions. American traditions are boring.

If anything, living in China has taught me how to survive. I feel like I have grown up more in 11 months than I have in 25 years. I feel wise. And old. I also feel pretty invincible. I lived in a foreign country without any understanding of the language, customs, or practices and survived. I think that's pretty awesome.

Chinese Massage

It was somewhere between the excruciating ear pinching and nauseating stomach punches that I thought, "This'll make another good blog."

The only massage I've received before today was while vacationing with a former boyfriend's family. The masseuse repeatedly asked me to relax, but I was too freaked out that a person I had never met was going to rub hot oil all over my body in a dimly lit room with lite jazz playing in the background.

The massage parlor today was delightful. It was extremely clean, smelled of incense, and the waitstaff was quite attentive. We were able to book a private room with three beds and three masseurs.

They started by soaking our feet in an herbal medicine. After a light foot massage, we were asked to lay on our backs. I closed my eyes and tried to relax, but she was pinching my toes and digging her fingernails into the arch of my foot. I recoiled in pain, but her grip was too strong. She pulled me back into place and smiled at me.

For the next hour and a half, she punched me, dug her elbow into my muscles, and smacked me around. The masseurs are quite athletic here. She'd have me hold her arms while she stood on my butt and hoisted me into the air. At one point, I felt extreme pressure on my back. I looked up and she was walking up and down my back while grinning. The most relaxing part was the ear massage. I fell asleep for a moment, but was woken up by a loud crackling noise. She had shoved a hollow candle into my ear for a "cleaning" treatment called "ear mining."

After my ears were cleaned, we had a "cupping treatment."

A man came in, had us remove our shirts and lay on our stomachs. He then lit a large flame, placed the flame into small glass globes, and quickly stuck the globes onto our backs. The flame dies out, but it leaves a strong suction within the globe. Your skin is sucked offof your body by at least an inch. The pain is pretty rough at first, but endorphins quickly replace the pain with extreme elation. You sit there for a few minutes, trying not to move until the man returns and removes them. The removal process was excruciating.

HOME SOON!

Huangya Guang Great Wall

I'm not good at blogging. Interesting things have happened, but I have been lacking the energy and enthusiasm for writing lately. I have gotten into a wonderful routine - a delightful mix of teaching, lesson planning, grading, reading, and bike riding. Sitting down in front of my computer and writing a blog just hasn't seemed interesting or fun.

However, I had one of the rarest and most exciting adventures this past Saturday...

A few weeks ago, I decided that I wanted to go to a section of the Great Wall that is located to the north of Tianjin. While the Great Wall stretches over 5,000 miles across China, it is not a continuous wall. It has also been greatly refurbished over the past 20 years. The most famous sites outside of Beijing have been completely rebuilt. On my original 8-day vacation here, we traveled to a part of the Great Wall just outside of Beijing called the Juyung Pass. The views were breathtaking and are some of my favorite memories of China.

I mentioned my desire to travel to the Huangya Guang Great Wall to a few friends. Ultimately, Cathy (another foreign teacher), Maggie (Alex's girlfriend), and I decided to go together.

Our trip started very early. We met outside of Cathy's apartment building at 6am and took a taxi to the bus station. Bus stations in China are completely different than in the U.S. Our bus wouldn't leave until every seat on the bus was filled, so we waited for extra passengers while a man chain smoked cigarettes in front of us.

With the bus filled, we headed north. Randomly, our bus would stop at various street corners and drop off or pick up more passengers. Maggie mentioned that the trip may take a bit longer than normal because of construction, but I wasn't prepared for this trip by any means. We drove along unpaved roads for the vast majority of the trip. At one point, I looked outside and saw a semi truck that had fallen on its side with it's load spilled into a ravine. This construction that Maggie mentioned was not any form of refurbishment. These were the beginnings of paved roads reaching the countryside in China. The first of many, I'm sure.

After about five hours of driving, we reached the bus terminal. As I started exiting the bus, I saw a swarm of men standing in the doorway. I thought they were preparing to travel to the next location, but as their eyes met mine they began shouting and grabbing my arms. My first reaction was to grab my bag and clutch it to my chest, then I grabbed Cathy and Maggie. The men, noticing that I was a foreigner, started shouting things like "Hello!" "US and A!" "Baracka Obama!" These were the illegal taxi drivers I've heard so much about.

Maggie bartered with a younger driver. He agreed to drive us to the Great Wall and back for 30rmb a person. As we headed down the road, our driver looked at me and said,

"Michael Jackson! OKAY!" We listened to Beat It as we drove the rest of the way through the countryside.

We arrived at the Great Wall and I ate an apple for some last minute energy. The climb up this section of the wall was much different than Juyung Pass. Juyung had various outposts and level areas to walk across.

The entire length of the Huangya Guang section was vertical with only two outposts. Nevertheless, we hiked.

It was thrilling to be in nature yet again. The sound of birds chattering away made my heart sing. It has been months since I've seen natural environment.

Cathy and Maggie during our ascent.

About 3/4 of the way up the mountain, the wall changes.

It is no longer the nicely refurbished bricks. Instead, it changes to craggy boulders and rickety handrails. I was in heaven. It was a great feeling climbing up the original wall with rocks shifting under your feet and a slight misstep causing an assured 4th Chinese hospital visit.

At the top, Maggie told me about the Chinese version of Bigfoot. The Chinese believe that there is an entire race of half human/half monkey people that live in the forests and mountains. I stood quietly and hoped to find another set of eyes staring back at me in the forest.

The trip back to Tianjin was even more exciting than our morning excursion. We found a nice woman who owned a van and would drive us to the bus station for a simple fee. As we were nearing the bus station, she called her friend who drove the bus back and forth from Tianjin to Hebei. We were in luck! They were only 30 minutes away and would pick us up at the nearest abandoned gas station! After picking up a few hitchhikers, we found our bus home. This bus was in exponentially worse condition than the morning bus, but my exhaustion ignored this fact. I attempted to sleep as we drove through cornfields and around various livestock. At one point, while mid-air after a particularly large bump, I thought, "This'll make a good blog."

We picked up more random people on unmarked street corners. One man didn't have enough money to pay for his ticket, so our bus driver kindly stopped off at the nearest ATM and we waited for him to withdraw some extra money. We had the option of paying an extra 10rmb to take paved roads, but no one wanted to be bothered with spending any more money. So, we took the same road home. As the lights from Tianjin came into view, I grew sad that I would have to say goodbye to nature for another few weeks. It's hard living in a big city with no escape.

Scarlet and Gray

"Has this been bothering you for a long time?" Nghi asked.

"Yeah, why?" I said.

"Your head. You're gray." She said, with great concern.

We were talking about my future when my furrowed brow must have caused her eyes to catch a glimpse of my aging scalp.

I found my first gray hair when I was 22. I remember straightening my hair in my tiny bathroom on Fairmount St. when something glimmered in the mirror. I took a closer look, grabbed my tweezers, pulled, and taped it to a black piece of paper.

Proudly, I showed it to a friend in class that afternoon. "Check it out. I'm going gray. I blame Dr. Anderson."

We giggled at my new-found adult-ness and I remember thinking how cool it would feel to be a 20-something year old with gray hair.

This is a picture of my father holding me. I am one week old. My father is 32. You can see his gray hair starting to show around his temple and in his mustache.

Growing up, my friends always thought that my father was my grandpa. His hair turned white soon after I was born. He used to jokingly blame my brother and I for making him turn white, but in looking at family photographs, his entire family had white hair at remarkably young ages.

After my father passed away, I remember wanting someone to look at me and say "Oh, you have your father's ______!" I wanted a physical trait that undeniably connected me to him. I used to stare at pictures of my father and look at myself in the mirror hoping to see some sort of resemblance. However, I look exactly like my mother (which isn't a bad thing... my mother is quite beautiful).

This is a picture of my head taken about 20 minutes ago. Before moving here, I dyed my hair back to it's original color to prevent having to use Chinese hair dyes again and it has only illuminated my quickly graying head. I'm not really ashamed at the grays (even though I counted over 20 in 1 square inch). I'm weirdly proud of them. I feel like I finally have a physical trait that links me to my father... and I feel distinguished.

National Holiday

This past Friday, October 1st, was the National Holiday. The amount of holidays in China can really get confusing, but this one is much more important than the rest. The National Holiday celebrates the establishment of the Communist Party during the Cultural Revolution in 1949. It's their equivalent of the 4th of July... only with less "freedom."

It has been smoggier than normal here. This picture was taken outside of the Forbidden City in Beijing during the National Holiday festivities. It hadn't been raining, nor was it overcast that day.

I had been dealing with an annoying cold all week, but thought nothing of it until Friday morning. I woke up with a deep, vulgar, putrid cough.

As an asthmatic, there's nothing scarier than the addition of a sickness to exacerbate your already deficient breathing.

Alex met me outside of my apartment building and we took a taxi to the hospital. Our good friend, Tom (a Tianjin local), met us there. Alex's Chinese skills are exceptionally better than mine, but when it comes to medical lingo, we were both at a complete loss. Tom is a great friend of both of ours and is always willing to help. He arrived at the hospital with dark circles under his eyes.

"What did you do all night?" Alex asked.

"I just bought a playstation. I played Resident Evil all night. I killed zombies until 5am" Tom said.

Upon entering, I was amazed at the massive amount of people waiting inside the lobby. Tom took me to the check-in desk and I was rushed to the front of the line. I asked Tom why we were rushed to the front and he said, "because... you're a foreigner."

I didn't complain.

Upon entering our area of the hospital, we were each given surgical masks. Tom escorted me to the "blood giving" line and the "pee sample" booth. After receiving my results, we were asked to wait in line for another doctor. I had been practicing how to say asthma "xiaochuan" and bronchitis "zhiqi guanyan", but to my surprise, my doctor spoke adequate English.

I told him that I had a cold all week but that my cough had started to develop and was worsening each moment. He listened to my lungs and looked at my chart.

Tom stood next to me as I tried to convey each symptom to the doctor. I made sure that he knew what I was allergic to and that I had asthma. He asked Tom a few questions and then turned to me.

"What color is your cough?" he asked.

"Green."

"You have virus," he said.

"No I don't. Zhiqi guanyan. I have bronchitis." I said most adamantly.

"No, white blood cells normal. Just a virus. I prescribe 2 IVs. One today, one tomorrow. Sleep. Drink hot water and this."

He shoved 2 bottles of Chinese medicine into my hands.

We were then sent to the IV room where they hooked me up to a glucose/sodium chloride drip with a shot of something else inside. Tom didn't know what was in the shot, but after seeing my voracious appetite and unbelievable strength, I'm sure that it was a shot of Prednisone.

I love Prednisone.

They needed another "pee sample" after about 1/2 of my IV was completed. After returning with the results, Tom spoke briefly with the doctor.

He turned to me with a grave look in his eyes (which was all I could see because of the surgical mask).

"I'm sorry, Abbie. It's bad news. Your blood is mutating. You are turning into a zombie. We're going to have to kill you." Tom said.

I appreciate his attempt to bring levity to the situation, but that was the last thing I wanted to hear while sitting in a hospital in the country where SARS originated.

"Thanks, Tom." I said. "Don't forget to aim for the brains."

I returned to the hospital yesterday for another round of IVs and another shot. I really really hope this is the last time I ever have to see the inside of a Chinese hospital.

However, I am amazed by the treatment I received. The cost of 2 hospital visits equals about $45. My doctors were attentive and extremely knowledgable. The facilities left much to be desired, but I survived.

My breathing is much clearer.

I partly give credit to the bottles of Chinese medicine the doctor gave to me. I have no idea what is inside of them, but it tastes like motor oil, ginger, cranberries, and lotus root. In any case, it has cured my cough and given me a great amount of energy.

"Ting hao de" = Marvelous/Wonderful/Very good

My favorite weather has finally arrived in China. In my eyes, nothing is better than a cold, rainy, fall day. I love the change of seasons and how the fallen leaves find themselves glued to every surface. I love running through puddles and shielding myself from the pouring rain.

This morning, I readied myself for the elements with my boots, umbrella, and waterproof jacket. I crossed the bridge and waved to an oncoming taxi.

He slammed on his brakes and drove into a giant puddle.

I was drenched.

"Xie Xie." I dryly said to my driver as I got into the taxi.

"So sorry! so sorry!" he shouted.

On the days that I teach at the hotel, I usually just flag a taxi down, call one of the employees at TEC, and have them tell the cab driver where I need to go. My Mandarin skills are not nearly good enough to instruct a taxi driver how to get to this far off location. Unfortunately, this morning, no one answered their phones.

My driver looked at me and asked where I needed to go.

"Just go straight," I said in muddied Mandarin.

I frantically called Alex who then gave me the number of an employee at the hotel.

"Derrick! I need you to tell the taxi driver where to go."

"Where are you?" He asked.

"I have no idea.... just talk to him."

Derrick and my taxi driver ended up having a 10 minute conversation as he weaved his way in and out of traffic. After hanging up my phone, my driver offered me a cigarette and asked me to clean the back window. We had a nice conversation until my Mandarin skills were bled dry. I told him I was from America and I teach English both at the university and for private companies. He seemed happy with my language skills. We were about a half of an hour away from my destination when he started singing Chinese opera songs to me. Chinese opera, unlike every other opera, is not calming, soothing, or beautiful. The high-pitched tones and squealing verses make my ears hurt. He looked back at me in search of approval.

"Ting hao de," I said, and gave him a thumbs up.

On Mondays, I teach at the university from 8am until 5:40pm with a break in the middle for lunch. For the rest of the week, I spend about two or three days at the hotel training center teaching basic English from 10am until 3pm with an hour-long break for lunch. Even with the minimal teaching schedule, teaching for the hotel has become quite tedious and tiresome. I eagerly await my lunch break.

I shouldn't complain since the hotel provides my lunch, but it's glorified Chinese airplane food. I don't eat that much of it - even though it is customary to eat all that is put in front of you in China.

I was quietly enjoying my lunch today when Vicky, an upper-management hotel employee, joined me. She used to live in Seattle where "the weather is perfect all the time."

"Really?" I questioned.

"Yes. Perfect. Not like this."

I looked out of the window and saw rain, gray skies, and wind - what I though to be typical Seattle weather.

I took another bite of my lunch. Vicky looked at me with amazement.

"Your chopstick skills are very good."

"Yeah. Lots of practice, I guess."

"And your food? Do you like it?"

"Yeah, actually, it's very good today." I said as I put another bite of what I thought was chicken into my mouth.

"Really? Most westerners don't eat that. They think it's gross."

My mind was racing. "Did I just eat dog? What IS THIS?" I frantically thought to myself.

I set my chopsticks down.

"Oh, well... what is it?" I calmly inquired.

"Oh... it's... hmmm.... I don't know what you would call it. It's from a pig though."

"Ting hao de...." I said.

After work, I took a cab downtown for a warm cup of tea and dinner. I sat alone at one of my favorite restaurants. A group of three young adults sat across the aisle from me. As they giggled and spoke intermittent English I couldn't help but feel self-conscious. Their giggles were often preceded by finger-pointing in my direction. I'm used to the staring by now, but with my increasing understanding of the Mandarin language I find myself understanding conversations I wished that I did not. They were making fun of me.

I focused on my book and was determined to enjoy my warm bowl of curry. As soon as I finished, I hailed the nearest waiter and handed him my money. The three young adults had also just finished their coffees and handed their money to the waiter as well.

He returned with my change. Well, he returned with part of my change. I counted my money and noticed that he only handed me 64rmb when I should have received 75rmb.

He had clearly switched my bill with the three people sitting across from me - an understandable mistake to make in a busy restaurant.

However, as I waved the waiter over to settle the mistake, the three young adults realized their good fortune, quickly grabbed their belongings, and ran out of the door leaving me 11rmb short.

(11rmb roughly equals $2)

I couldn't help but laugh at my misfortune.

Tomorrow is the Mid-Autumn Festival. I have been invited to a friend's house for dinner. It is a holiday roughly equated to Thanksgiving (but without the pumpkin pie). It is a celebration of family, friends, good-fortune, and the new season.

I am excited to share this holiday with some close friends. Even after days like today, I find myself blessed to feel a familial type of support from those around me.

moon cakes

My inability to find any semblance of peace when things start to take a turn for the worse is a trait that I wish to rid myself of.

The issues that have been bothering me are really quite irrelevant at this point. I just wish that I could slow down, take a second, and put all of my issues into a more realistic perspective.

I fought with the school (yet again) about my internet, passport, and salary.

"Patrick, can I pick up my passport today?"

"I don't know where it is."

"I gave it to you to get my visa renewed 2 weeks ago."

"Oh, I gave it to someone else."

"Okay, well what about my salary?"

"You have to get that from someone else, too."

I stormed out of his office. Before the door slammed behind me, I yelled, "My internet still isn't working so I guess I'll get someone else to handle that, too!"

A few hours later I received my salary from Christina. After shoving a wad of cash into my purse, Christina shoved two small boxes into my hands.

"Here, take these. Moon cakes."

September 22nd is the Mid-Autumn Festival. I think I'll like this holiday. They celebrate by eating mini cakes.

I start working for TEC again tomorrow. I am meeting Alex at the subway station in the morning. From there, we will meet up with the other teachers outside of the TEC building and head to the HuaCheng Hotel. TEC has just won a contract teaching English to the employees of this new hotel. Tomorrow is our first day and we will be giving the employees placement tests to see what their level of English is.

Honestly, it all sounds a bit boring. I'm not very excited about interviewing hundreds of Chinese people and grading their English skills. However, I'm excited about this new teaching opportunity.

Last night, Cathy and I had dinner together. As we rode the subway back home, we talked about what an interesting life we lead. Neither one of us thought that we'd ever become English teachers in a foreign country. We did not go to college for this life.

But, for some strange reason, we found ourselves here. We talked about the various personalities we've come across and just how perfectly individual each person is. You'd think that in a country of 1.3 billion people you'd come across a few that were eerily similar. This is not the case. So, I am looking forward to meeting new people. I am looking forward to helping them with their English. I am looking forward to seeing life through yet another set of eyes.

basic necessities

I have always said that without the internet, living away from home would be pretty unbearable.

Currently, I am on day 4 without the internet. The school is undergoing a tremendous amount of construction which is the cause for the majority of these issues. However, it seems that I am the only person in our building without the ability to connect to the internet at this time.

Yesterday I called Patrick, one of my contacts at the school that speaks adequate English, and told him that I was unable to get online. He reminded me that it was Saturday and said, "I do not work on Saturdays. You must wait until Monday for me to help you."

It is a constant struggle with the school administration. Questions are continually deferred to other people.

Last week, I emailed Christina (another school contact) asking her where my classroom was located. Her response was "I cannot answer your question. Please email Grace."

Not only am I sure the Christina knows where my classroom is located, but Grace's desk is about 2 feet to the left of Christina's.

Like I said, it is a constant struggle.

My first day of teaching was wonderful; however, I worry that the large classroom sizes are going to cause a great amount of difficulty for me. I teach 4 classes with over 30 students in each.

After teaching, I had a lovely dinner with Alex, John, Jim, and Alex's girlfriend, Maggie. We celebrated my birthday and had a wonderful time catching up about our classes and summertime experiences.

My birthday cake and a lovely can of PBR.

Even with all of these difficulties I have been encountering over the past few weeks, I am still happy that I have returned. I had been greatly regretting my choice to return to China. After all, there are countless other locations around the globe I would like to spend time in, but I am glad that I have been given the opportunity to understand this culture more thoroughly. I still feel like I have so much to learn.

My Return.

After a mind-altering journey across China, a tour through Tibet (which I'm sure I will expound upon in the future), and an all too short visit home... I am back in Tianjin.

Two days before moving back to the states, I had an interview with the Tianjin University of Science and Technology and was offered a job teaching an English writing course. Luckily, I am only about a 20 minute walk from my old campus and have been able to keep in contact with everyone.

Parting ways with my family was much harder than my previous journey. My first few days here were terribly difficult, but now that I'm more adapted to my surroundings I'm feeling much more at ease with my decision to return for another semester.

My dear friend, Leah, just left after a week-long visit. We spent a few days in Beijing and then came back to Tianjin for the remainder of her stay. It was wonderful having her around. I had been regretting my decision to return to this area while there are so many other opportunities for teaching around the world. Leah's presence allowed me to see this country from a fresh perspective - I really have a lot more to learn and experience. Living in a foreign country is a remarkable opportunity that I hope to take full advantage of..

Classes start tomorrow. I am quite excited to see what new experiences lay ahead for me within the next few months.

On a side note: Tibet was the most eye-opening, awe-inspiring, breathtakingly beautiful experience of my life. I have just received an email from my tour guide asking me to visit him again in the near future. The happiness I feel from completing one of my biggest life goals and from experiencing such a wonderfully unique culture is unparalleled in everything else I have experienced. On the morning of June 26th, I woke up at the base of Mount Everest in a tent that was owned by local Tibetans. They cooked me a humble breakfast and filled my glass with strong coffee. We laughed together as we spoke about the mind-numbing feeling of being over 18,000 feet above sea level. I felt the purest joy imaginable.

Each evening I wrote ad nauseum. I will try to retell some of my experiences throughout the future and apologize for my poor upkeep of this site.

June 25th, 2010. Mt. Everest Base Camp. 18,192ft.

Tibet.

Day01(June19): take train from Beijing to Lhasa

Day02(June20): on the train

Day03(June21): Arrive in Lhasa

When you arrive in Lhasa, meet our local staff at the train station, they will hold you name waiting for you at exit, send you to your hotel for rest.(adapt to Mountain sickness)

Day04(June22): Sight-seeing in Lhasa city.

Visit Potala palace in the morning, visit Jokhang temple in the afternoon, walk around Barkor Street. Overnight in Lhasa.

Day05(June23): Lhasa-Namtso-Lhasa

You will have a chance to see Nyenchen Thanglha snow mountain ranges, and pass the Nagela. Namtso Lake is the sky lake which is one of the three holy lakes in Tibet, also the highest salt lake.You can do a little hiking around. On the way back, you can have hot-spring at Yangbachen if you like.

Day06(June24): Lhasa/Yamdrok lake/Gyanstse/Shigatse

Pass Gangbala Pass which is over 5000m, from there you will see Lake Yamdrok (40RMB/p) which is one of the three holy lakes in Tibet . Then drive back to Qushui, along Nepal friendship way to Gyantse, visit the famous Kumpum stupa in Gyantse. Then arrive in Shigatse Overnight at Shigatse.

Day07(June25): Shigatse- Shegar –Rongbuk(Everest Base Camp)

In the morning drive to Rongbuk, which is the highest temple in the world. In the afternoon we walk 7 km to the Base Camp and do some sightseeing there. Walking or drive by horse vehicle to Rongbuk. Overnight at Rongbuk guesthouse (dorm beds ) or EBC(dorm beds).

Day08(June26): E.B.C-Shigatse

If you are lucky enough, you will see sunrise at Everest base camp. Late morning start driving back to Shigatse. Overnight at Shigatse.

Day09(June27): Shigatse-Lhasa

Morning visit the Bachen Lama which was Built in 1447 by the first Dalai Lama. Then the spectacular tombs of Panchen Lamas. Afternoon drive back to Lhasa along Yarlong Tsangpo river by the Nepal friendship road. Overnight at Lhasa.

Day10(June28): Leave Lhasa

Flight leaves Lhasa airport and arrives in Beijing at 9pm.

I have a new boyfriend. I think his name is Mike

I can remember watching the 1994 World Cup with my brother. We were living in Canal Fulton at that time. Josh was old enough to take care of the both of us during the summer, so we were home instead of at our babysitter's house. As children, our parents enrolled us in a summer soccer league called NJSL (Northwest Jackson Soccer League). I admired Josh and all of his team mates. But that summer, we spent our days and nights admiring players like Alexei Lalas and Cobie Jones.

Last Saturday, I met up with a few friends at a new bar/restaurant downtown called Hannah's. It's a cajun bar run by an American born Chinese man named Jack. He has six restaurants in the States and just one in China. Alex, naturally, was rooting for England while Holly, myself, Jack, and a few random expats were rooting for the US. Deep down, I knew that the US was destined for defeat, but I was still excited to watch the match with my new-found friends.

We arrived at the bar at 10:30. Due to the time difference, the USA/England match did not start until 2:30 in the morning. This left us with ample time to ready ourselves for the match ahead.

As kickoff was approaching, the bar began to fill with more British expats. They fulfilled every stereotype I had about British soccer fans and alcohol. Holly and I tried to make up cheers and chants to sing louder than them, but we could only think of the Star Spangled Banner and Born in the USA. We got into heated discussions about the Revolutionary War, War of 1812, and King George. After all, America is undefeated against England in all wars.

A few minutes into the first half, England scored. Holly and I were quieted by their cheers and laughter. With their team winning, the Brits became happier and happier. Holly and I found ourselves with two boys named Richie and Mike (I think). They are from Liverpool and work for AirBus. They thought we were the most beautiful girls they had seen in China since arriving a few months ago. We laughed at their blatant pick-up lines throughout the rest of the game.

Then, America scored.

Holly and I were deserted on one side of the bar while our new friends Mike(?) and Richie commiserated with their cohorts on the other side. After the first half ended, we met back up with our friends. Richie has been to America once. He drove across Route 66 with a few friends. Mike(?) had been to Florida and hated every minute of it.

I told him I had been to Florida as a teenager and hated every minute of it, too.

He told me that we had a lot in common and we should get married.

I laughed.

We hardly watched the second half of the game. Instead, we tried to speak with our two new friends. Being from Liverpool, their accents are much different from Alex's. I asked Alex to help me translate what Mike(?) was saying and even Alex didn't understand.

Mike(?) seems harmless and quite funny. But, I could be wrong. His accent is so hard to understand.

Thankfully, the game ended in a tie. The Brits were quite pompous about their team before the game, so it was nice to see them humbled a little bit. We exchanged phone numbers with our friends and left the bar at 5am. The sunrise in Tianjin is beautiful.

This Friday, we're meeting up at Hannah's yet again. Our new friends will join us. I am very excited.

__________________________

I had quite a disappointing meeting with Apollo yesterday. He thinks that my only hope for teaching here in the fall is to work for an English school - not a university. I would much rather work at a university, so I'm going to continue looking on my own.

I've been contemplating my future with great fervor lately. I refuse to limit my immediate future to China. There is so much more of the world that I would like to experience. South America? Africa? Who knows...

I am at such peace with my future. This has been the best decision of my life.

Adulthood.

I feel as though I have not been very candid to others about my battle with depression. Quite accordingly, it started after my father passed away and was only reinforced after the passing of my grandmother and a very close friend. After their passing, I saw depression as my eternal burden. It was something that I could not rid myself of. I felt destined for a lifetime of sadness.

However, a few years ago, I experienced love for the first time. The happiness it gave me brought up surprising feelings of guilt. Happiness was a foreign feeling to me; I felt like I was denying my late father by feeling the euphoria of love.

That relationship ended in the rawest of heartache. I fear that the cliches surrounding break-ups deny so many of the horrendous feelings we all go through. It was a tragic occurrence that I am thankful to have experienced.

Without everything that has happened in my past, I would not be here - sitting in a Starbucks on Ying Kou Dao in Tianjin, China during the Dragon Boat Festival holiday with plans of watching the World Cup with friends that I feel closer to than most I have in America.

_____________________

Last week the six of us went to our favorite dumpling restaurant for dinner. It would be the last time we would all sit around a table together. The semester has ended and we're all going off in different directions. I have grown especially close to two of the other teachers, Alex and Cathy. Alex is from London, England. He originally came to Tianjin to pursue Wu Shu (Kung Fu) and taught in order to retain his residency. Cathy is from the Philippines and has taught in Tianjin the longest out of all of the teachers. I refer to Alex as my GeGe or "older brother". He is a great friend and someone that I'm going to miss very deeply.

Not pictured are John and Jim. John is the only other American besides Jen and myself. He lives across the hall from me and I've grown quite fond of his company. His outlook on life in China always brings a smile to my face. Jim is Canadian and older than the rest of us. He teaches at another campus about an hour away from our dormitories, so I don't see much of him. It was a lovely evening of retrospect and story-telling.

I can remember sitting at a bar with a friend before I left for China in February. I was more than full of trepidation - I was completely regretting my decision to move. I didn't want to leave my friends and family back home. I didn't want to leave everything I knew behind. My friend laughed at me and said, "Come July, you'll be dreading that flight back to America. You won't want to come back here."

I knew he was right. I knew that the decision I had made to move here would prove rewarding. I signed that contract to feel independent again. I wanted to experience something new.

I've been thinking a lot about adulthood lately. I never saw myself as an adult until I moved here. I never felt purely independent. I always had a backup plan. I always had somewhere to retreat. Living in a foreign country gives you a sense of danger that is unimaginably powerful. Independence is intoxicating.

I've been toying with the idea of returning to Tianjin after spending the summer holiday in America. Just a few weeks ago, I was certain that my time was up - I needed to go home.

Tonight, I'm meeting with Apollo. He is an intermediary between English departments in Tianjin and teachers. He is attempting to find me a new job so that I may return in September to teach another term.

Insomnia, Dumplings, and Dread

Even as a child, I'd lay awake at all hours of the night. Helpless, I'd count to 1,000 and back until I fell asleep. This most recent attack has made me feel fully and completely exhausted, but my mind will not slow down. I have tried everything. I stop using my computer at least an hour before I want to fall asleep, I have completely eradicated any caffeine intake, I try to journal all of my errant thoughts before attempting sleep. But, even with all of my efforts, I still cannot sleep.

I have just returned from a wonderful evening with friends. Tom invited a few of us over for dinner tonight. He cooked many varieties of food, but my favorite were the egg dumplings. If Tom plays his cards right, I'll marry him for those dumplings.

I feel completely content. My language skills still need a lot of work, but I'm comfortable venturing out on my own. My homesickness is almost non-existent. I just crave a really good waffle, a cup of coffee, the New York Times, and my porch.

Honestly, I'm dreading the return home. I am so excited to see my family and my dogs, but I will miss so much about this country. I will miss the friends I have made. We are a family.

I have been applying for various jobs back in Ohio for my return. Also, I've been researching graduate schools for my next foray into the educational system. I know what I want to do and it seems like I'll either be moving to California or NYC.

P.S. Buy the new Black Keys album. It makes me proud to be from Ohio.... amongst many other things.

A Senseless Plan

I went to a birthday party for some friends I've met here on campus last night. Part-way through the evening, a guy approached me. "You're from Ohio, huh?"

I was caught off-guard. He was Asian, yet spoke perfect English.

"Yep. I've never seen you before," I said.

"Oh my name is Brian. I'm here on a 3-week study-abroad program from UCSD. Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure...."

"I've only been here 2 weeks so far and I'm so unbelievably homesick. How do you do it?"

Jen gave me a book the day I arrived called Survival Kit for Overseas Living: For Americans planning to live and work abroad. The book gives a multitude of solutions for dealing with culture shock. Most notably, exploring. I've never been this busy in my life, and I absolutely love it.

Last weekend, Jen and I took a tour of the city sponsored by the university. We were transported to a central location and met up with about 50 other white people from various universities around the city. Sitting on the bus as we traveled from site to site was difficult. While I enjoyed the tour, I was annoyed that I understood what people were saying. Their conversations were aggravating. Their voices were so loud.

I have become extremely content living within my own language barrier.

While culture shock is related to homesickness, I believe that they can be (and have been, in my situation) mutually exclusive. Other than my mother, I've distanced myself from everyone back home. I haven't written emails to friends or family in months. Above everything else I have tried, this distance has helped me deal with my homesickness more than anything else.

However helpful this senseless plan has been, I faltered a bit tonight. By keeping my communications at a minimum, I've been keeping a lot of emotions inside. I had dinner with Alex and Jen downtown tonight. We sat outside and talked at great lengths about our families. I told them about my brother and how much I miss him - how I honestly feel that he is my best friend - how happy I am that he's found such pure love - how I admire his life and miss his companionship.

After returning home from dinner, I cried for the first time in weeks.

With only a few weeks left, I'm trying to fill my calendar with as many experiences as possible (Tibet). I hope to return here in the future. If I don't return, I want know that I didn't waste any time while living abroad.

I told Brian that I've cut off most communication with home. I've spent my free time exploring every location possible. "It's sad, but you have to forget your home. You have to live here. You have to experience this. Don't think of home. Don't let your mind go there. You're here."

Each friend I spoke to, each email, each message took me 6,000 miles away from here. I stopped living in China and only counted the days until I returned home. I forgot why I came here. Living in this moment has helped me put the entirety of this situation into focus.

I'm going to miss China.

We were discussing life this week in class. What is life? What are the basic necessities of life? I asked them to give me the 5 most important things in life in order.

Health. Food. Family. Friendship. Money.

I asked them to explain each choice and and their position in the list. Why is family more important than friendship? Why isn't money the most important thing in life?

Most importantly, out of each of my classes no one put love in their top five. A student tried to explain why, "We need health to live. We need food to live. Family and friends are life. Money? Money is a necessary evil. Love? You can live without love. You cannot love without life."

I love how complex thoughts in my mind are so simple in their minds. I love their outlook on life and love and beauty and happiness. I am really going to miss teaching. I cannot believe I only have 43 days left here.

______________________

A few years ago I made a list of places I want to see before I die. It was the summer before my senior year of college and I was totally alone. I was left behind after a catastrophic break-up. My best friend (Jen) had graduated and moved away. I lived alone for the first time. Out of this loneliness I felt an undefined strength to accomplish anything and this list clearly reflects that untouchable feeling. I have often laughed at the extensive list I have compiled, but recently I have come to the realization that dreams are nothing without action.

I will finally be able to cross a location off of my list.

I will be taking a train across the majority of China next month that will drop me off in Lhasa, Tibet.

The entire train trip will take about two days. I will spend the next 8 days in Lhasa (former home of the Dalai Lama), Gyantse, Shigatse, Shegar, and Rongbuk. On the morning of June 26th, I will wake up to the sunrise over Mount Everest from base camp.

May 10, 1998

He died at an integral part of my life that left me with just enough memories to miss him and few enough to feel cheated. I often wonder what he'd think of me now. My dream is to sip coffee and play chess with my father.

I have found great peace in knowing that I am my his legacy. He was a man of few but passionate words; his actions were immeasurable.

Over the past 12 years, my longing for a father has not faded. My loss is inescapable. However, the pain I have felt is subsiding. I never would have thought that this whole process would have taken this long.

I used to struggle with the desire to make him proud of me. Without knowing - without seeing his face, there was no way to know if what I was doing with my life made him proud. I pushed myself further than I had felt capable, all to make him happy.

I am proud of my decisions, so far. I have few regrets and have full belief that every experience has made me a better person. I have a lot to work on, but I'm getting close. I don't struggle with making him proud anymore. I struggle with finding my own path in life.

I have a strange sense of peace in knowing that my father will always impact my life. Every decision I make will somehow have his imprint. I am my father's daughter.

Update

In the middle of 11 straight days of teaching I am exhausted from creating lesson plans and standing in front of classrooms for hours upon hours each and every day. Even still, I promised my mother that I would update my blog this weekend. So, here goes:

We were walking home from dinner on May 1st (Chinese Labor Day) when we decided to sit and people watch for a few minutes. They have a small concrete park with some benches and exercise equipment amidst the apartment complexes across the street from my room. The elderly spend their evenings stretching, walking, and chatting in these parks and have thus become my favorite location for people watching.

We sat on one of the benches and watched a family of three kick a soccer ball around. On a few occasions the ball came towards me and I kicked it over towards the small child. He stood and stared wide-eyed at me as the ball rolled slowly past him. I'm not sure he'd seen a lao wai before.

We were interested to see a woman in a wheelchair across the park from us. Because of the one-child policy, some parents will abandon or send their disabled children away. After doing so, they can petition the government to allow them to have another child. I am truly amazed at the few parents who take on the endeavor of raising a disabled child in a country like China when it seems so easy to abandon them.

She wheeled herself over to some of the exercise equipment, struggled to lift her body, and stretched her slender limbs. You could see her tenacity in each simple movement she made. After exercising for a bit, she wheeled herself towards us. I remember muttering "Oh shit, she's coming over here." to Jen. I wasn't afraid of her. I was afraid of my own Mandarin skills. In the comfort of my own room I am proud of my Mandarin skills. It is, however, completely different trying to express yourself to native speakers.

Wei Ren Hua was born in Hebei, but lives in Beijing with her parents now. She is 30 years old and has an older sister who is a teacher in Tianjin. She works for a company that manufactures dolls. Her mother is a farmer. Her father is a retired professor and her English skills are better than most of my student's. A small crowd began to form around us and Wei Ren Hua acted as a translator for some of the elderly men and women. At one point during out conversation, I noticed an older man taking pictures of the three of us talking. This man was Wei Ren Hua's father. He traveled with Wei Ren Hua to visit his other daughter who lives in the westernmost apartment complex.

The sky was getting darker and we regretfully informed her that we had to finish our walk home. As we stood up to leave she said that we gave her "xing xing" (confidence). She was a beautiful woman with one of the biggest smiles I've seen. I hope to never forget our conversation.

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As was mentioned in a previous post, I attended Sam's class as a guest speaker on sustainability and development. The student's reactions were quite positive and we had a very productive question and answer session after my speech. I was able to make some important links between sustainable development and economic stability that the students were able to understand. Better than most people, the students here understand what development looks like. They understand the tragic effects of wasteful development and have first-hand knowledge regarding the human impact of pollution. I have so much to learn from them.

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A few weeks ago, I mentioned to Erin that I would like to purchase a bicycle. She posted flyers around campus and after class last Thursday, we walked to the dormitories and I purchased a bike from one of the students. Friday, I spent the entire day riding around campus. At one point, I was smiling for no other reason than the unadulterated childish freedom I felt riding around. Saturday morning, I woke up with sore legs and found that my bike had been stolen from the front of my building. Heartbreak.

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On a much much lighter note, my brother asked his beautiful girlfriend, Amanda, to marry him a few days ago. I have been jealous of their love for over a year now and I'm happy to see them both take the next step in their relationship. Amanda was visiting friends in New York City and Josh surprised her in the middle of Grand Central Station. I am so happy for the both of them.

Seeing love like that gives me constant hope in the future. I wish I could have been there to congratulate them both.

Communication Barriers

Before moving here, I prepared myself in a lot of ways. I bought a new suitcase, some jeans, a nice jacket, and lots of toothpaste with fluoride. Mentally, I prepared myself for homesickness, jet-lag, and communication barriers. In a country of 1.3 billion people, I didn't expect to be overwhelmed with loneliness, but I feel like the communication barriers have gotten the best of me. Jen put it nicely the other night, "It's all white noise. You might hear a 'hao' or a 'ma' every once in a while, but other than that, we're clueless."

As much as I'd studied Mandarin over the past few months, I had expected my spoken skills to develop quite nicely. However, I still feel completely isolated within my own brain. My thoughts are mine alone and I struggle for an outlet. I miss conversation. I miss speaking English. I wish my Mandarin was better so I could express myself here. I miss laughing with my friends. I miss explaining my thoughts to someone other than Jen (thank God she's here). The time difference has played an integral part in this giant equation as well. The times when I feel most lonely are when family and friends are sleeping. And, in order to keep myself from self-destruction, I must sleep when they're awake. No wonder my sleeping pattern has been so errant lately.

Since beginning my second job downtown, I only have 1 day off per week. Today was my day of respite.

I woke up early, had an apple and some tea, spoke briefly with my mother via Skype, and began a few loads of laundry. After I hung my second load up to dry, I dressed myself in the only clean clothing I had left and took the subway downtown.

It seems that the weather has finally decided to turn for the better. The blue sky and warm sun brought everyone outside today. Bin Jiang Dao is a long pedestrian shopping street that is infamous for pickpockets. I only entered a hand-full of shops today. Mostly, I just people watched and strolled amongst the masses - all while clutching my purse to the front of my body. I had planned on spending a few hours on Bin Jiang Dao followed by tea at Starbucks and dinner with Jen. At one point, the sun had warmed me to the point of near perspiration so I unzipped my jacket. Since I was waiting for Jen to call and notify me when she had arrived downtown, I had my cell phone in the front pocket of my jacket for easy access.

On my walk to Starbucks, I noticed a man walking quite closely to me. The Chinese awareness of personal space is nonexistent, so I didn't think much of it until I noticed that my jacket felt a bit lighter. I stuck my hand in my pocket to search for my phone. Empty handed, I turned to the man next to me just in time to see him shoving my cellphone into his pocket. My inability to yell "Give me back my phone!" in Mandarin left me one option. I backhandedly punched him in the stomach as hard as I could. In retrospect, I wish I had taken the time to steady my feet and lay a harder punch into his gut.

He exhaled quickly as my fist hit. I then stepped in front of him and held out my hand while motioning to his pocket. He begrudgingly handed my phone back to me and ran in the opposite direction. I looked around to see if anyone had witnessed what had occurred and felt more foreign than I ever have. I can't even ask if anyone saw what happened. I can't yell "Stop him!" as the would-be thief ran away. I can't even tell the police officer standing five feet away what had just happened. I don't know the word for 'cellphone'. Nor do I know the word for 'stolen'. I didn't speak a word until I got to Starbucks and ordered my tea. I sat there feeling completely enraged and irritated without an outlet for either emotion.

I feel un-prepared. I should have studied the language more before I arrived. I should have known that I'd be incredibly lonely. I should have prepped myself for the isolation. Instead, I have to adapt to my surroundings and understand that I'll be home soon enough. I can remember the feeling of excitement as I boarded my plane to Beijing. I wanted to be tested. I wanted to feel some selfish form of pride in who I am. Before I board my plane back home, I hope to sit here and type about personal achievements. It has to happen some day.

The Future

Sam has written me a few emails over the course of the semester. At first, he was asking for personal advice about school and guidance regarding some issues with his classmates. Both of these topics are outside of the realm of my teaching capabilities and I responded with the most generic advice. It's difficult balancing homesickness and loneliness with keeping a professional distance from your students. I would love to be friends with all of them, but I have to remember my role in their lives is to educate. My most recent email from Sam shifted to a more personal tone. He wants to know what I like to do for fun and if I have any friends. "I am very curious about you," he ended the email.
I have not responded.
I normally take a break during class. Three hours is a long time for anyone. During this break, I retreat to my office on the floor below my classroom and busy myself with some mindless computer game until the twenty minutes are over. Today, however, Sam knocked on my office door and interrupted my Pinball game.
Last week's class focused on the environment. Naturally, my passion for this topic must have impacted my students. I struggle with keeping my own bias and personal agenda out of the classroom; I want them to form their own opinions and beliefs on every topic we cover.
During my lesson, I talked at length about the need for China to develop without forsaking the environment that has allowed them to become the oldest living civilization on Earth. Sam has another class that focuses on the development of China both economically and physically. I have been invited as a guest speaker for next week's class. I'm honored - in a strange way.
I will be asked to give a brief talk (15-20 minutes) about development and the environment. Afterwards, I will take questions from his classmates.

I'm not sure what my next step in life will be. I know that I will not be attending graduate school in the fall. My previous goal was to study paleoclimates until I became old and gray. While I'm still fascinated by the subject, China has changed me in less than two months. I am astounded at the development that is currently taking place here and can only imagine what is occurring throughout the rest of the world. The industrialization and development that is taking place in China is unlike anything the United States has ever experienced. I have a visceral reaction to development on any scale, but this is our Industrial Revolution on steroids.

I'm concerned for their future, though. Their disregard for anything sustainable is palpable.

I look at the history of this country and the strides they are taking towards development. So much of what they are doing is forsaking their ancestors and beliefs. I'm convinced that through education the Chinese would be able to continue their traditions while developing into an industrialized world. The history that surrounds them only provides an even stronger foundation for their future.

So, I am currently researching graduate schools for Global Environmental Policy for the Spring semester. Until then, I'm going to focus on my presentation for Sam's class.

Tao

I have begun teaching downtown at a place called TEC (Todd's English-Learning Classroom). Last night was my first VIP lesson. I have been having one-on-one lessons with Erin each week, but the atmosphere at TEC is much different than at the university. The majority of TEC students are from very large businesses who wish to further develop their employees' English skills. I enjoy having a very informal classroom at the university, but the atmosphere at TEC is much more formal and business-oriented.

Tao works for a company that develops and builds aircrafts called Airbus. Airbus has offices in Germany, England, Spain, France, and China. In order to create continuity within the company, each employee is required to speak English. Tao (like most Chinese people) was taught how to read and write English in elementary and secondary school, but has a great deal of difficulty with spoken English.

Tao controlled the entire lesson and we covered a variety of topics. He was most excited to talk with me about his travels in Europe. "What is that thing that you buy to remember your travels called?"

"Memorabilia?" I said.

"Yes yes. I have many pieces of memorabilia from my travels around Europe." He spoke at great lengths about the necessity for each person to see the world. "Abbie, you must promise me [that you will] go to Germany. Go to Prague. Even Finland. But, I don't think there is any need to go to France. There is nothing but mean people and terrible foods."

I laughed and promised him that I would would visit Europe soon.

We spoke at great lengths about his job. He finds it very difficult to understand English when it is spoken in different accents. Unfortunately, he must listen and understand English spoken in almost every accent imaginable. "French people trying to speak English sounds like a bird to me. Very fast and hard to understand."

I taught him the phrase "the blind leading the blind".

He asked me what I liked to do for fun. I told him about my new pastime. "I walk outside, pick one direction, and walk until I get tired. Then, I walk home."

He laughed and said, "Very good!!! Do not stay at home while you are here. You must experience everything. I love your pastime!"

I must admit, it was nice to feel a bit of validation from him. I feel so foreign here.

I then asked him about his favorite pastime: badminton.

"Oh, I love it very much, but I must not play anymore. While living in Germany, I tore a tendon in my knee and had to have surgery. My scars are my new pieces of German memorabilia."

Tomb Sweeping Day

Erin greeted me outside of our building today. "Louis is late. He has our key. He thought class was at 8:30, so we can not enter the building yet."

"Oh, that's fine! It's such a beautiful morning," I said.

"Yes, and I'm sorry, Abbie. Emily will not be joining class today. She went with her boyfriend to visit Ohio."

"Wow! Really? Tell her to call my mom! That is so awesome! What is she doing there!"

"Oh no, Oh no!" Erin shrieked. "I made an April Fool of you!"

I guess it's my fault for assigning an April Fools joke for homework. I hate being tricked....

Erin was right though, it would just be the two of us for class today. She enjoyed her private lesson and we were able to accomplish a lot. Her pronunciation is getting much better and she has the best grammar skills out of all of my students. It's really amazing to see one of your students get better at something before your eyes. We spend part of our Thursday class proofreading articles. I make her read some of the sentences out loud to help her identify any mistakes. Today, after reading a sentence aloud, she looked at me and said, "It sounds a little Chinglish, right?" I laughed.

"Chinglish" is a pejorative term that describes Chinese people attempting to speak very poor English.

Right as class was ending, I received a text message from Jen telling me that there were a bunch of old men selling birds at the park. I know I am my mother's daughter when I get excited about the idea of old men selling birds. I dropped my bag off at my room, grabbed my camera, and began walking.

I slowly approached them with my camera in full view, made eye contact with one of the older men, and pointed at my camera. He smiled and bowed his head, so I began clicking away. I can't identify the birds, but their songs' were so beautiful. It made me excited for spring.

From their location, I saw some older women dancing, so I walked over and smiled with them as they danced to traditional music. From there, I walked a few more blocks to one of the outdoor markets. The strawberries this week look much more fresh than the ones from last week. After that market, I walked past a park and watched people sing, dance, and play traditional instruments. Everyone is so happy today. I completed my walk by strolling through the other market that is the closest to my home.

I made two very small purchases today:

The first is a silver bracelet with two birds and two flowers on it. I thought it was a fitting purchase considering the day I have had.

The second was a stack of paper money. This Monday, April 5th, is the Qingming Festival. Translated, it means "clear brightness" but they refer to it as "Tomb Sweeping Day." It is a celebration of Spring and renewal, but it is also a somber day of remembrance. I asked my students to try to tell me (in English) all about this holiday. They believe that the deceased still watch over them, so on Tomb Sweeping Day, they travel to their deceased loved one's grave sites. They clean the graves from the winter debris and place beautiful flowers on their graves. That evening, they burn paper money to send to their loved ones. I asked them why their loved ones need money in the after-life and Rebecca said "to live."

I find it remarkable that even without conventional religious practices, they still believe in an after-life... and it is one where you can live again.

I have been having a very difficult time, lately. I have some home-sickness, but Spring always reminds me of losing my father. With every flower that blossomed he became more ill. As the days grew brighter and brighter, he became more fragile.

I spoke to my mom this past weekend. She told me something that I can't seem to shake from my thoughts, "You are his soul, Abbie. You are your father's daughter. Every act of kindness you do is keeping his spirit alive. Think of all of the people you can touch while in China..."

I am in love with that thought.

I hope that this Spring teaches me something new. Like the Chinese, I will commemorate his passing with sadness, but I will have hope for the new spring, as well. I'm not sure if my dad needs any money in heaven, but I'll burn a few sheets for him just in case.

A walk.

I went for a walk today.

I remember when I first moved to Pittsburgh I'd walk everywhere. It's so nice being in a city and having everything within walking distance. I miss my car's heated seats, but I love being bipedal.

Ren Ren Le is a kind of department store that is about a dozen blocks down the road. I've heard of it, and saw it from afar, but I've never been inside. The weather had been quite nice after the Mongolian sandstorm blew through, so I decided to walk there today.

I like walking down the streets here. Everyone stares, but not in a menacing way; it doesn't make me uncomfortable at all. I really enjoyed watching everyone shop in the little stores along the road. There was a woman selling small pots of daffodils. I would have bought one if I knew how to communicate better.

Everyone seemed so happy today. I think it has to do with the warmer weather.

Ren Ren Le was a madhouse. I went in search of a box of kleenexes and some bobby pins for my hair. The first floor has clothing of all types. The second floor has food. And a pet store. The third floor has some more clothing, cleaning supplies, appliances, and personal hygiene products. I found a pack of three boxes of kleenex for 13RMB (or about $2 American). At home, I can get a pack of 100 bobby pins for about $2. Ren Ren Le was selling a pack of 4 bobby pins for 6RMB. I could easily afford them, but I declined. Even in a country where everything is so unbelievably underpriced, I could not allow myself to buy 4 bobby pins for roughly $1 American.

I bought my reasonably priced kleenexes and went to the open air market across the street. At the front entrance a man sells these tortilla-like wraps that smell like heaven. One day I will try one.

I walk in to the market with the same mission every time: Find my friends and family a cool present.

After about 45 minutes of wandering, I left empty-handed. This woman sells really beautiful beaded necklaces and bracelets. I'll probably buy some for my friends back home. This other man sells army jackets. I want to buy one for myself so badly.

I've managed to save a lot of money so far. Jen and I are planning a trip to Tibet in June. Every time I look at a cute jacket for myself, I think of the Potala Palace and walk away. I've wanted to go to Tibet for over 15 years. I have to make it there before I leave China.

Alex (another teacher), teaches extra classes downtown to businessmen. I'm going to head downtown with him this week to see about teaching there as well. If I end up making more money, maybe I'll go back and buy that army jacket.

Chinese Hospital

I was exhausted after teaching on Monday. Even my students noticed by saying "Where is your smile today, Abbie? Did you leave it in your room?"

"I'm sorry everyone. I just can't find any energy. We will continue our discussions while I sit down, is that okay?"

I find myself waiting for a response from them every time I ask a question. During our class discussions, I try to lead them to some of the possible answers. Slowly they're becoming more outspoken, but their lack of a response didn't matter this time. I sat down for the rest of class.

That night I decided to go to bed as early as possible. Howard was going to take me to the "body doctor" in the morning so they could run some tests to that I could complete my residence visa.

I fell asleep around 8pm.

At 1:30am I woke up crying. Sometimes, if I'm having an especially terrifying dream, I'll catch myself waking up with tears coming down my face, but this time was different. I was sobbing when I woke up. My hands were clenched around my stomach. I tossed and turned in different positions trying to get the pain to subside. "This is the worst pain I have ever felt in my life." I thought to myself. I felt like I had been shot in the stomach.

I grabbed my phone and text messaged Jen. Before she answered, I was at her door.

"Call Howard. I have to go to the hospital. Now."

We met Howard downstairs. "Do you just need some hot water?"

"No, Howard. Hospital." He (and everyone else in China) thinks that hot water and fruit cures everything. While I'm sure this reasoning works at certain times, I was sure that steaming cup of water would not cure this pain.

The next 6 and a half hours are quite a blur. Howard shuffled us from room to room. The doctor listened to my lungs and felt my stomach. I cringed in pain. She wrote a prescription for a muscle relaxer that we then had to buy at the front of the hospital. We walked in to the injection room. (Through the doorways we could see doctors stitching together a man's face that had been hit by a car.)

I stood in front of the nurse, Howard to my side and Jen next to him. While the nurse prepared my injection, Howard pulled the curtain between us. The nurse (in Mandarin) told Howard to tell me to pull my pants down. I waited for instructions while Howard translated.

Howard, while still standing less than a foot away from me, spoke to Jen, "Um. Um... You uhh... tell Abbie that ummm she has to pull her pants down."

Jen peaked around the curtain, "It's going in your ass."

"Yeah, I figured...."

After waiting over a half of an hour for the muscle relaxer to work, I noticed a man that had been following us from room to room since we had arrived. He wore a dingy suit coat, a dress shirt, khakis, and work boots. After I decided that the injection wasn't helping, we returned to the doctor's office and Howard gave me a bottle of hot water. While waiting for Howard to finish speaking to the doctor, I looked up at this strange man and we shared a meaningful glance. The doctor prescribed some IVs. After purchasing them, we walked back to the IV room.

It was an open room with about 50 beds lining the walls. Over half of them were occupied. Jen and I stood at the doorway while Howard talked to the nurse. The strange man had followed us to this room as well and motioned for us to sit on one of the beds.

We named our new friend Clarence after the angel in It's a Wonderful Life. I was sure he was some sort of guardian angel sent to watch over the round-eyes. He chose a bed across the room from us and took a short nap. After waking up, he walked out of the room. I had imagined that he thought we were pretty safe in our current location, so he decided to comfort someone new.

I was on my second IV when Clarence returned - refreshed. He was wearing a green hooded sweatshirt with "HOT" written on the front, jeans, new sneakers, and was carrying a bag full of rolls. He munched on one while offering the rest of them to the three of us. We each declined.

He stayed with us for a while longer until finding someone in more need of his assistance then us. We never spoke, but at times like those I really wish I knew Mandarin. Really really wish I knew it.

After about 5 hours of IVs, we left. I'm not sure what the first IV was but the second was a glucose drip and the third was a very strong antibiotic with some painkillers. I slept the rest of the day away, woke up for dinner, and slept for another 9 hours.

At this time, I'm feeling much better. I still have attacks of pain and some nausea, but each day gets better than the previous. I feel awful that this happened. Mostly because of the worry I must have caused my family. I'm sorry, Mom. I'm sorry, Josh. I'll be home soon.

The "Beijing Bug"

Jen sent me a text message while I was teaching on Wednesday that she was going to go to the hospital. Howard was going to pick her up and take her around 5pm. My class ended at 4:40, so I ran across campus to Jen's room and went with her and Howard to the campus infirmary.

She had been feeling ill for quite a few days and was getting worse. Her temperature had started to rise and so did our concern for her well-being. We finally found the doctor across campus at an annexed building. After taking Jen's temperature she prescribed some Thera-Flu-like tablets and instructed her to drink hot water.

After a cold shower, some tea, ibprofen, and plenty of liquids, Jen seemed to be over the worst of her sickness.

That night, I fell asleep while watching some television on my laptop. I woke up at about midnight. For the next 8 hours, I couldn't keep a single thing down. I won't go into the gory details, but I felt like my stomach was trying to escape through my mouth.

I was scheduled to teach that morning at 8am. I text messaged and emailed my monitors and Professor Zhang informing them that I would not be able to teach - I was extremely ill.

The next few hours were full of emails, text messages, phone calls, and knocks on my door from concerned students. I really just wanted to be left alone, but I don't think they do that in China.

My students tried to take me to the hospital on many occasions. I told them that I think I just had a bad bout of food poisoning and that I'd be okay. They insisted that I went with them. I resisted and laid motionless on my bed.

My phone rang. It was Professor Zhang. "I just got off of the phone with Grace. We want to take you to the hospital."

"No. no. I'll be okay. I think it's food poisoning."

"They'll give you an IV."

"If I don't get better within the next hour, I'll call you and we'll go to the hospital."

At this point, I was feeling truly awful and my temperature started to rise.

The hospital started to seem like a good idea. "What if it wasn't food poisoning?" I thought.

I heard another knock at my door. Professor Zhang and one of my students were standing there with two very large bags of fruit. "Here. Eat these. They'll make you better."

I was astonished that my advisor - a world renowned economist - was standing at my doorway with a bag full of bananas.

I slept for hours and was able to keep some water down. Jen made some noodles for us.

Like the blind leading the blind....

Howard knocked on Jen's door at about 2pm with another bag full of fruit. I was looking forward to some ancient Chinese remedies or some sort of magical healer. Instead, we got bags and bags of fruit.

Right now I'm feeling much better. Jen is a little better, but is still battling a fever. I haven't eaten much. Just noodles. I feel weak. My lungs are sore - much like the feeling of exhaustion after having an asthma attack. I feel like I have pulled muscles in my chest and sides. I walked a few blocks to the grocery store this afternoon to buy some bread and had to stop on my way to catch my breath. I am completely exhausted, but I am confident that I am over the worst of this.

Post Script:

Here is a picture of a very very sick Abbie. Jen thought that my "sick hair" looked hilarious. Enjoy.

Day One.

I have always respected and learned more from the teachers that have created comfortable and relaxing environments. Their approachability is directly related to my final grades. So, I started off my first class by explaining the laid-back atmosphere I wanted them to experience. "I want you to feel comfortable asking questions during class. If you don't understand something I say, please, stop me before I go on."

The class is about 3 hours long with a 20 minute break in the middle. During the break, I had a line of students standing at my desk with questions. They didn't want to interrupt. Ugh.

We played a few ice-breakers in order to get to know one another. I also used this time to assess their English skills. I'm quite surprised at the disparity between each of them. I asked each student to stand, state their Chinese name, English name, major or area of study, hometown, and their hobby. Cherry is from the (something or other) Province which is known for their pottery and fine china. Sunny loves sports - especially basketball. Marina hates all sports. Sam likes basketball too and hopes that I can get him a Lebron James autograph. Things were going well until the 8th student - Vivi. She stood up and only spoke Mandarin. All of my students started laughing. I said, "Vivi, this is an English class. We must speak English. If I can't understand you, how are we going to work on your English skills?" Cherry spoke up and told me that Vivi is self-conscious of her English skills and would rather not talk at all. I told my students that laughing at one another is prohibited. "We all have things we need to work on. No one here is perfect. Vivi, please say as much as you can in English." She struggled for quite some time. It was painful to watch and listen to, but she worked her way through it. And, no one laughed.

2 of my students didn't have an English name, so they asked me to name them. I now have a "Susie" named in honor of my mom and a "Wendy" a la Peter Pan. They were overjoyed with my choice for them. "Oh, such a pretty name! Thank you, Teacher," they both said.

We spent some time going over American and English proverbs. I split them into groups of 2 or 3 and assigned each group a different proverb.

Misery loves company

You can't teach an old dog new tricks

The grass is always greener on the other side

Bloom where you are planted

They really enjoyed this exercise and made me think differently about a few of them as well. In China, they say "if you share your happiness with a friend, it will be doubled. if you share your sadness with a friend, it will decrease by half." "Misery loves company" seems a little more terse, but I like the mathematical value they have given feelings. They seem so much more manageable now.

Before they left for the day, I asked them to write down what they wished to learn about this semester - specific topics and ideas. Sam would really enjoy a lesson on Obama, Lebron James, Kevin Garnett, and Shakira.

On the same piece of paper, I asked them to write down 3 stereotypes of Americans. Most of their answers are pretty predictable: rich, open-minded, adventurous, patriotic, innovative, diverse, optimistic, etc... Marina has just assured herself an A for the semester with this answer "Americans have their unique ideas about the same thing. They know what they want and do it - just like you!" Well put, Marina.