Communication Barriers

Before moving here, I prepared myself in a lot of ways. I bought a new suitcase, some jeans, a nice jacket, and lots of toothpaste with fluoride. Mentally, I prepared myself for homesickness, jet-lag, and communication barriers. In a country of 1.3 billion people, I didn't expect to be overwhelmed with loneliness, but I feel like the communication barriers have gotten the best of me. Jen put it nicely the other night, "It's all white noise. You might hear a 'hao' or a 'ma' every once in a while, but other than that, we're clueless."

As much as I'd studied Mandarin over the past few months, I had expected my spoken skills to develop quite nicely. However, I still feel completely isolated within my own brain. My thoughts are mine alone and I struggle for an outlet. I miss conversation. I miss speaking English. I wish my Mandarin was better so I could express myself here. I miss laughing with my friends. I miss explaining my thoughts to someone other than Jen (thank God she's here). The time difference has played an integral part in this giant equation as well. The times when I feel most lonely are when family and friends are sleeping. And, in order to keep myself from self-destruction, I must sleep when they're awake. No wonder my sleeping pattern has been so errant lately.

Since beginning my second job downtown, I only have 1 day off per week. Today was my day of respite.

I woke up early, had an apple and some tea, spoke briefly with my mother via Skype, and began a few loads of laundry. After I hung my second load up to dry, I dressed myself in the only clean clothing I had left and took the subway downtown.

It seems that the weather has finally decided to turn for the better. The blue sky and warm sun brought everyone outside today. Bin Jiang Dao is a long pedestrian shopping street that is infamous for pickpockets. I only entered a hand-full of shops today. Mostly, I just people watched and strolled amongst the masses - all while clutching my purse to the front of my body. I had planned on spending a few hours on Bin Jiang Dao followed by tea at Starbucks and dinner with Jen. At one point, the sun had warmed me to the point of near perspiration so I unzipped my jacket. Since I was waiting for Jen to call and notify me when she had arrived downtown, I had my cell phone in the front pocket of my jacket for easy access.

On my walk to Starbucks, I noticed a man walking quite closely to me. The Chinese awareness of personal space is nonexistent, so I didn't think much of it until I noticed that my jacket felt a bit lighter. I stuck my hand in my pocket to search for my phone. Empty handed, I turned to the man next to me just in time to see him shoving my cellphone into his pocket. My inability to yell "Give me back my phone!" in Mandarin left me one option. I backhandedly punched him in the stomach as hard as I could. In retrospect, I wish I had taken the time to steady my feet and lay a harder punch into his gut.

He exhaled quickly as my fist hit. I then stepped in front of him and held out my hand while motioning to his pocket. He begrudgingly handed my phone back to me and ran in the opposite direction. I looked around to see if anyone had witnessed what had occurred and felt more foreign than I ever have. I can't even ask if anyone saw what happened. I can't yell "Stop him!" as the would-be thief ran away. I can't even tell the police officer standing five feet away what had just happened. I don't know the word for 'cellphone'. Nor do I know the word for 'stolen'. I didn't speak a word until I got to Starbucks and ordered my tea. I sat there feeling completely enraged and irritated without an outlet for either emotion.

I feel un-prepared. I should have studied the language more before I arrived. I should have known that I'd be incredibly lonely. I should have prepped myself for the isolation. Instead, I have to adapt to my surroundings and understand that I'll be home soon enough. I can remember the feeling of excitement as I boarded my plane to Beijing. I wanted to be tested. I wanted to feel some selfish form of pride in who I am. Before I board my plane back home, I hope to sit here and type about personal achievements. It has to happen some day.

The Future

Sam has written me a few emails over the course of the semester. At first, he was asking for personal advice about school and guidance regarding some issues with his classmates. Both of these topics are outside of the realm of my teaching capabilities and I responded with the most generic advice. It's difficult balancing homesickness and loneliness with keeping a professional distance from your students. I would love to be friends with all of them, but I have to remember my role in their lives is to educate. My most recent email from Sam shifted to a more personal tone. He wants to know what I like to do for fun and if I have any friends. "I am very curious about you," he ended the email.
I have not responded.
I normally take a break during class. Three hours is a long time for anyone. During this break, I retreat to my office on the floor below my classroom and busy myself with some mindless computer game until the twenty minutes are over. Today, however, Sam knocked on my office door and interrupted my Pinball game.
Last week's class focused on the environment. Naturally, my passion for this topic must have impacted my students. I struggle with keeping my own bias and personal agenda out of the classroom; I want them to form their own opinions and beliefs on every topic we cover.
During my lesson, I talked at length about the need for China to develop without forsaking the environment that has allowed them to become the oldest living civilization on Earth. Sam has another class that focuses on the development of China both economically and physically. I have been invited as a guest speaker for next week's class. I'm honored - in a strange way.
I will be asked to give a brief talk (15-20 minutes) about development and the environment. Afterwards, I will take questions from his classmates.

I'm not sure what my next step in life will be. I know that I will not be attending graduate school in the fall. My previous goal was to study paleoclimates until I became old and gray. While I'm still fascinated by the subject, China has changed me in less than two months. I am astounded at the development that is currently taking place here and can only imagine what is occurring throughout the rest of the world. The industrialization and development that is taking place in China is unlike anything the United States has ever experienced. I have a visceral reaction to development on any scale, but this is our Industrial Revolution on steroids.

I'm concerned for their future, though. Their disregard for anything sustainable is palpable.

I look at the history of this country and the strides they are taking towards development. So much of what they are doing is forsaking their ancestors and beliefs. I'm convinced that through education the Chinese would be able to continue their traditions while developing into an industrialized world. The history that surrounds them only provides an even stronger foundation for their future.

So, I am currently researching graduate schools for Global Environmental Policy for the Spring semester. Until then, I'm going to focus on my presentation for Sam's class.

Tao

I have begun teaching downtown at a place called TEC (Todd's English-Learning Classroom). Last night was my first VIP lesson. I have been having one-on-one lessons with Erin each week, but the atmosphere at TEC is much different than at the university. The majority of TEC students are from very large businesses who wish to further develop their employees' English skills. I enjoy having a very informal classroom at the university, but the atmosphere at TEC is much more formal and business-oriented.

Tao works for a company that develops and builds aircrafts called Airbus. Airbus has offices in Germany, England, Spain, France, and China. In order to create continuity within the company, each employee is required to speak English. Tao (like most Chinese people) was taught how to read and write English in elementary and secondary school, but has a great deal of difficulty with spoken English.

Tao controlled the entire lesson and we covered a variety of topics. He was most excited to talk with me about his travels in Europe. "What is that thing that you buy to remember your travels called?"

"Memorabilia?" I said.

"Yes yes. I have many pieces of memorabilia from my travels around Europe." He spoke at great lengths about the necessity for each person to see the world. "Abbie, you must promise me [that you will] go to Germany. Go to Prague. Even Finland. But, I don't think there is any need to go to France. There is nothing but mean people and terrible foods."

I laughed and promised him that I would would visit Europe soon.

We spoke at great lengths about his job. He finds it very difficult to understand English when it is spoken in different accents. Unfortunately, he must listen and understand English spoken in almost every accent imaginable. "French people trying to speak English sounds like a bird to me. Very fast and hard to understand."

I taught him the phrase "the blind leading the blind".

He asked me what I liked to do for fun. I told him about my new pastime. "I walk outside, pick one direction, and walk until I get tired. Then, I walk home."

He laughed and said, "Very good!!! Do not stay at home while you are here. You must experience everything. I love your pastime!"

I must admit, it was nice to feel a bit of validation from him. I feel so foreign here.

I then asked him about his favorite pastime: badminton.

"Oh, I love it very much, but I must not play anymore. While living in Germany, I tore a tendon in my knee and had to have surgery. My scars are my new pieces of German memorabilia."

Tomb Sweeping Day

Erin greeted me outside of our building today. "Louis is late. He has our key. He thought class was at 8:30, so we can not enter the building yet."

"Oh, that's fine! It's such a beautiful morning," I said.

"Yes, and I'm sorry, Abbie. Emily will not be joining class today. She went with her boyfriend to visit Ohio."

"Wow! Really? Tell her to call my mom! That is so awesome! What is she doing there!"

"Oh no, Oh no!" Erin shrieked. "I made an April Fool of you!"

I guess it's my fault for assigning an April Fools joke for homework. I hate being tricked....

Erin was right though, it would just be the two of us for class today. She enjoyed her private lesson and we were able to accomplish a lot. Her pronunciation is getting much better and she has the best grammar skills out of all of my students. It's really amazing to see one of your students get better at something before your eyes. We spend part of our Thursday class proofreading articles. I make her read some of the sentences out loud to help her identify any mistakes. Today, after reading a sentence aloud, she looked at me and said, "It sounds a little Chinglish, right?" I laughed.

"Chinglish" is a pejorative term that describes Chinese people attempting to speak very poor English.

Right as class was ending, I received a text message from Jen telling me that there were a bunch of old men selling birds at the park. I know I am my mother's daughter when I get excited about the idea of old men selling birds. I dropped my bag off at my room, grabbed my camera, and began walking.

I slowly approached them with my camera in full view, made eye contact with one of the older men, and pointed at my camera. He smiled and bowed his head, so I began clicking away. I can't identify the birds, but their songs' were so beautiful. It made me excited for spring.

From their location, I saw some older women dancing, so I walked over and smiled with them as they danced to traditional music. From there, I walked a few more blocks to one of the outdoor markets. The strawberries this week look much more fresh than the ones from last week. After that market, I walked past a park and watched people sing, dance, and play traditional instruments. Everyone is so happy today. I completed my walk by strolling through the other market that is the closest to my home.

I made two very small purchases today:

The first is a silver bracelet with two birds and two flowers on it. I thought it was a fitting purchase considering the day I have had.

The second was a stack of paper money. This Monday, April 5th, is the Qingming Festival. Translated, it means "clear brightness" but they refer to it as "Tomb Sweeping Day." It is a celebration of Spring and renewal, but it is also a somber day of remembrance. I asked my students to try to tell me (in English) all about this holiday. They believe that the deceased still watch over them, so on Tomb Sweeping Day, they travel to their deceased loved one's grave sites. They clean the graves from the winter debris and place beautiful flowers on their graves. That evening, they burn paper money to send to their loved ones. I asked them why their loved ones need money in the after-life and Rebecca said "to live."

I find it remarkable that even without conventional religious practices, they still believe in an after-life... and it is one where you can live again.

I have been having a very difficult time, lately. I have some home-sickness, but Spring always reminds me of losing my father. With every flower that blossomed he became more ill. As the days grew brighter and brighter, he became more fragile.

I spoke to my mom this past weekend. She told me something that I can't seem to shake from my thoughts, "You are his soul, Abbie. You are your father's daughter. Every act of kindness you do is keeping his spirit alive. Think of all of the people you can touch while in China..."

I am in love with that thought.

I hope that this Spring teaches me something new. Like the Chinese, I will commemorate his passing with sadness, but I will have hope for the new spring, as well. I'm not sure if my dad needs any money in heaven, but I'll burn a few sheets for him just in case.