A Senseless Plan

I went to a birthday party for some friends I've met here on campus last night. Part-way through the evening, a guy approached me. "You're from Ohio, huh?"

I was caught off-guard. He was Asian, yet spoke perfect English.

"Yep. I've never seen you before," I said.

"Oh my name is Brian. I'm here on a 3-week study-abroad program from UCSD. Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure...."

"I've only been here 2 weeks so far and I'm so unbelievably homesick. How do you do it?"

Jen gave me a book the day I arrived called Survival Kit for Overseas Living: For Americans planning to live and work abroad. The book gives a multitude of solutions for dealing with culture shock. Most notably, exploring. I've never been this busy in my life, and I absolutely love it.

Last weekend, Jen and I took a tour of the city sponsored by the university. We were transported to a central location and met up with about 50 other white people from various universities around the city. Sitting on the bus as we traveled from site to site was difficult. While I enjoyed the tour, I was annoyed that I understood what people were saying. Their conversations were aggravating. Their voices were so loud.

I have become extremely content living within my own language barrier.

While culture shock is related to homesickness, I believe that they can be (and have been, in my situation) mutually exclusive. Other than my mother, I've distanced myself from everyone back home. I haven't written emails to friends or family in months. Above everything else I have tried, this distance has helped me deal with my homesickness more than anything else.

However helpful this senseless plan has been, I faltered a bit tonight. By keeping my communications at a minimum, I've been keeping a lot of emotions inside. I had dinner with Alex and Jen downtown tonight. We sat outside and talked at great lengths about our families. I told them about my brother and how much I miss him - how I honestly feel that he is my best friend - how happy I am that he's found such pure love - how I admire his life and miss his companionship.

After returning home from dinner, I cried for the first time in weeks.

With only a few weeks left, I'm trying to fill my calendar with as many experiences as possible (Tibet). I hope to return here in the future. If I don't return, I want know that I didn't waste any time while living abroad.

I told Brian that I've cut off most communication with home. I've spent my free time exploring every location possible. "It's sad, but you have to forget your home. You have to live here. You have to experience this. Don't think of home. Don't let your mind go there. You're here."

Each friend I spoke to, each email, each message took me 6,000 miles away from here. I stopped living in China and only counted the days until I returned home. I forgot why I came here. Living in this moment has helped me put the entirety of this situation into focus.

I'm going to miss China.

We were discussing life this week in class. What is life? What are the basic necessities of life? I asked them to give me the 5 most important things in life in order.

Health. Food. Family. Friendship. Money.

I asked them to explain each choice and and their position in the list. Why is family more important than friendship? Why isn't money the most important thing in life?

Most importantly, out of each of my classes no one put love in their top five. A student tried to explain why, "We need health to live. We need food to live. Family and friends are life. Money? Money is a necessary evil. Love? You can live without love. You cannot love without life."

I love how complex thoughts in my mind are so simple in their minds. I love their outlook on life and love and beauty and happiness. I am really going to miss teaching. I cannot believe I only have 43 days left here.

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A few years ago I made a list of places I want to see before I die. It was the summer before my senior year of college and I was totally alone. I was left behind after a catastrophic break-up. My best friend (Jen) had graduated and moved away. I lived alone for the first time. Out of this loneliness I felt an undefined strength to accomplish anything and this list clearly reflects that untouchable feeling. I have often laughed at the extensive list I have compiled, but recently I have come to the realization that dreams are nothing without action.

I will finally be able to cross a location off of my list.

I will be taking a train across the majority of China next month that will drop me off in Lhasa, Tibet.

The entire train trip will take about two days. I will spend the next 8 days in Lhasa (former home of the Dalai Lama), Gyantse, Shigatse, Shegar, and Rongbuk. On the morning of June 26th, I will wake up to the sunrise over Mount Everest from base camp.

May 10, 1998

He died at an integral part of my life that left me with just enough memories to miss him and few enough to feel cheated. I often wonder what he'd think of me now. My dream is to sip coffee and play chess with my father.

I have found great peace in knowing that I am my his legacy. He was a man of few but passionate words; his actions were immeasurable.

Over the past 12 years, my longing for a father has not faded. My loss is inescapable. However, the pain I have felt is subsiding. I never would have thought that this whole process would have taken this long.

I used to struggle with the desire to make him proud of me. Without knowing - without seeing his face, there was no way to know if what I was doing with my life made him proud. I pushed myself further than I had felt capable, all to make him happy.

I am proud of my decisions, so far. I have few regrets and have full belief that every experience has made me a better person. I have a lot to work on, but I'm getting close. I don't struggle with making him proud anymore. I struggle with finding my own path in life.

I have a strange sense of peace in knowing that my father will always impact my life. Every decision I make will somehow have his imprint. I am my father's daughter.

Update

In the middle of 11 straight days of teaching I am exhausted from creating lesson plans and standing in front of classrooms for hours upon hours each and every day. Even still, I promised my mother that I would update my blog this weekend. So, here goes:

We were walking home from dinner on May 1st (Chinese Labor Day) when we decided to sit and people watch for a few minutes. They have a small concrete park with some benches and exercise equipment amidst the apartment complexes across the street from my room. The elderly spend their evenings stretching, walking, and chatting in these parks and have thus become my favorite location for people watching.

We sat on one of the benches and watched a family of three kick a soccer ball around. On a few occasions the ball came towards me and I kicked it over towards the small child. He stood and stared wide-eyed at me as the ball rolled slowly past him. I'm not sure he'd seen a lao wai before.

We were interested to see a woman in a wheelchair across the park from us. Because of the one-child policy, some parents will abandon or send their disabled children away. After doing so, they can petition the government to allow them to have another child. I am truly amazed at the few parents who take on the endeavor of raising a disabled child in a country like China when it seems so easy to abandon them.

She wheeled herself over to some of the exercise equipment, struggled to lift her body, and stretched her slender limbs. You could see her tenacity in each simple movement she made. After exercising for a bit, she wheeled herself towards us. I remember muttering "Oh shit, she's coming over here." to Jen. I wasn't afraid of her. I was afraid of my own Mandarin skills. In the comfort of my own room I am proud of my Mandarin skills. It is, however, completely different trying to express yourself to native speakers.

Wei Ren Hua was born in Hebei, but lives in Beijing with her parents now. She is 30 years old and has an older sister who is a teacher in Tianjin. She works for a company that manufactures dolls. Her mother is a farmer. Her father is a retired professor and her English skills are better than most of my student's. A small crowd began to form around us and Wei Ren Hua acted as a translator for some of the elderly men and women. At one point during out conversation, I noticed an older man taking pictures of the three of us talking. This man was Wei Ren Hua's father. He traveled with Wei Ren Hua to visit his other daughter who lives in the westernmost apartment complex.

The sky was getting darker and we regretfully informed her that we had to finish our walk home. As we stood up to leave she said that we gave her "xing xing" (confidence). She was a beautiful woman with one of the biggest smiles I've seen. I hope to never forget our conversation.

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As was mentioned in a previous post, I attended Sam's class as a guest speaker on sustainability and development. The student's reactions were quite positive and we had a very productive question and answer session after my speech. I was able to make some important links between sustainable development and economic stability that the students were able to understand. Better than most people, the students here understand what development looks like. They understand the tragic effects of wasteful development and have first-hand knowledge regarding the human impact of pollution. I have so much to learn from them.

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A few weeks ago, I mentioned to Erin that I would like to purchase a bicycle. She posted flyers around campus and after class last Thursday, we walked to the dormitories and I purchased a bike from one of the students. Friday, I spent the entire day riding around campus. At one point, I was smiling for no other reason than the unadulterated childish freedom I felt riding around. Saturday morning, I woke up with sore legs and found that my bike had been stolen from the front of my building. Heartbreak.

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On a much much lighter note, my brother asked his beautiful girlfriend, Amanda, to marry him a few days ago. I have been jealous of their love for over a year now and I'm happy to see them both take the next step in their relationship. Amanda was visiting friends in New York City and Josh surprised her in the middle of Grand Central Station. I am so happy for the both of them.

Seeing love like that gives me constant hope in the future. I wish I could have been there to congratulate them both.